Unintentional Satire Award

1 08 2008

The Unintentional Satire Award (USA… oops) is given to someone who says or writes something so absurd that it’s satirical, but they don’t realize it. They declaw critics who would use satire as a weapon, because they shoot themselves in the foot with such ridiculously false statements that the only thing we can do is stand by and facepalm, headdesk, or laugh and watch as they smoothly create the best mockery of their own position that could ever exist.

This week’s USA goes to Orson Scott Card, brilliant SF writer and disgusting Mormon. I almost met him once, at a convention — I think it was Boskone in 2005. He was invited as a guest of honor, a rather controversial choice. Recently, he wrote an anti-gay marriage article.

Let’s look at some of his winning logic:

Remember how rapidly gay marriage has become a requirement. When gay rights were being enforced by the courts back in the ’70s and ’80s, we were repeatedly told by all the proponents of gay rights that they would never attempt to legalize gay marriage.

It took about 15 minutes for that promise to be broken.

In the 21st century, gay marriage is a requirement! Henceforth all marriages shall be gay. Did you not get the bulletin? Of course, this defies the carefully observed and scientifically proven laws of nature, which are not subject to court oversight:

If the government passed a law declaring that grey was now green, and asphalt was specifically designated as a botanical organism, would that make all our streets into “greenery” and all our parking lots into “parks”?

If a court declared that from now on, “blind” and “sighted” would be synonyms, would that mean that it would be safe for blind people to drive cars?

I mean, gay marriage is like dogs and cats living together! Geeks and jocks enjoying a PBR and playing D&D! Up is the new down, in is the new out! What if scientists said there was no god, and that evolution was the new religion! It just can’t happen, because the universe was not created that way. Besides,

The laws concerning marriage did not create marriage, they merely attempted to solve problems in such areas as inheritance, property, paternity, divorce, adoption and so on.

And clearly, gay people should not have access to these solutions.

Fuck you too, Orson Scott Card. I don’t care how good your books are, I’m not ever giving you another cent. Oh, and congratulations on the award.

Still the best unintentional satire I’ve ever seen is Bush Was Right by the Right Brothers:

Catchy, but… ouch. You just couldn’t write something more mocking if you tried.

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4 responses

1 08 2008
victoriatravels

Ahh, the Right Brothers. So catchy. I definitely thought it was a joke the first time I heard ’em. I still think that they’re funny in a really sad way. Enrique’s favourite of theirs is (I believe) the one that goes something along the lines of “Shut up and teach”, in which teachers are..politely…requested to stop “preaching”.
*humming..*France WRONG *mmmhmmm mmmm mmmmmm*

Erugh. That’s pretty terrible about Orson Scott Card. I really like his writing. Although…I suppose if you look at it the other way..there are writers who I disliked reading so much that even if they single-handedly cured world hunger, cancer, and abolished all nuclear weapons, I still wouldn’t read another book by ’em. So there’s that.

1 08 2008
Lindsay

I think I had a dream about the Right Brothers… how disturbing. I blame you, Jacob.

8 08 2008
JB

PBR? Peanut Butter & Raisin?
Roast Beef?
Hm…

(LJ Syndication’s working, btw. :)

8 08 2008
Jacob

I meant Pabst Blue Ribbon, but it could be anything, I guess. I find peanut butter equally gross, so…

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