Adventure-a-Day: April Fools’ Day Zombies

2 04 2008

What could be more fun than shaving cream on April Fools’ Day? Blood. Lots of blood.

Waking up on April Fools’ Day is always exciting. Waking up to the following E-mail in my inbox was a promising start to the day. (The E-mail mimicked an all-campus critical announcement from the college.)

Title : Campus Safety Alert – Undead presence on campus

Hampshire College Public Safety Department is investigating an above-average number of undead sightings on campus. This weekend, at least two zombies were seen in or near the Prescott parking lot, and there were smears on the window of the Merrill B lobby that seem to have been left by numerous bloody, leprous hands.

In light of these events, we ask that all members of the community stay indoors until further notice. Please keep all windows closed and locked with curtains drawn. Be aware that excessive noise may put you and others at risk of attracting zombies. The college anticipates vanquishing the zombies, but if necessary, food will be provided to the living spaces. Do not wait near building entrances. Tap water is adequate for drinking.

No violent incidences have been reported. However, Public Safety urges everyone to keep in mind the importance of remaining indoors and locking all outside and inside doors. If you see a zombie or any other suspicious creatures, call Public Safety at x5555 immediately or the Town of Amherst Police at 9-1-1. For non-emergencies, call x5424. If you are scratched, bitten, or subjected to any form of contact with a zombie, call Health Services at x5458. In event of a full-scale
attack, use the emergency numbers above.

We understand that students may wish to contact their parents/guardians with this unfortunate news, and we recognize that some of them may wish to rescue you from this threat. Public Safety has indicated that the best way to ensure your well-being is to stay put. Please be advised that both the front (Route 116) entrance or the Bay Road entrance will be reserved for emergency personnel and/or military troops until further notice.

We appreciate your patience and compliance in this difficult situation.

As I went about my day, many students were talking about the Zombie attack. This next E-mail also mimicked a critical announcement sent from the college, it caused me and many other students much worry.

Title : Urgent update on the zombie situation 4/1/08

We regret to inform you that the undead problem has escalated. There have been several attempted attacks by the zombies, in which one student has died and risen as a zombie. Hampshire College Public Safety was able to swiftly detain this student. The student is being held in an undisclosed location until the college reaches a decision on a course of action that is both legal and responsible to the community as a whole. Another student was detained under similar circumstances, but was released after it was determined that the student was working on a particularly challenging Division III project and had had no contact with zombies.

Despite reports made by students describing a “zombie horde”, all the attacks have been perpetrated by groups of two to five zombies. No intelligent undead have been seen. As further information develops, it will be made available through the Hampshire College Hotline (x5508).

The administration has contacted one of Hampshire’s student groups, Mythos, and they have agreed to lead roving squadrons consisting of other students. Hampshire College is proud to have such capable and helpful students in this time of need. If you would like to join such a group, please call the temporary office of the newly formed Ad Hoc Association for Action, Awareness, and Assessment of Undead Goings-On at Hampshire (AHAAAAUGH) at x2244. We believe that this college-sponsored use of violence, while unprecedented, is necessary for the overall maintenance of a safe campus environment. For details on Hampshire’s policies, see “Physically Endangering Behavior”, p. 78 of Non Satis Non Scire. Note that this section falls under “Lack of Respect for PEOPLE” (emphasis added).

If you are experiencing significant stress due to the threat of being dismembered, eaten alive, or condemned to mindless immortality, or the threat of losing fellow community members to this fate, we encourage you to call a Counselor Advocate at x6998. Please reserve emergency numbers for incident reports.

We wish to remind everyone once more of the utmost importance of practicing safe behaviors in a zombie-infested area. This involves staying indoors with all windows and doors locked and avoiding drawing attention to the presence of living humans. If you are not an approved member of AHAAAAUGH, you are urged not to engage in physical contact with the zombies. If the situation demands self-defense or the defense of others who are immediately threatened, blunt force trauma is recommended.

I should have heeded the warnings more carefully! On my way to dinner I was zombified by a large number of zombies. I have a few pictures of my zombified self, though unfortunately I have no pictures of the rest of the zombies. It turns out that there were several zombie groups on campus as well as a couple of zombie-fighters. They had several epic battles, and I’m sorry to say that I never got to photograph any of them. If I come across more pictures, I will certainly add them! But for now, it’s me as a zombie!

Zombie Lindsay


Zombie Lindsay II




Zombie Lindsay IV

Ok… so maybe just chocolate syrup and corn syrup mixed together with red food coloring. Mm-mm, tasty. But also very sticky. But don’t worry – I got better! And the Zombie attack was taken care of as is demostrated by this E-mail from the president of the college himself.

Title : Memorandum from President Hexter: Zombies


DATE: April 1, 2008

TO: Hampshire College Community

FROM: President Ralph J. Hexter

SUBJECT: Zombies

By this time I’m sure you have read the critical announcements regarding the presence of zombies on our campus. It is a relief to be able to inform you that there is no threat to our safety. Well, not anymore. The zombies did wreak havoc on parts of the campus, but the community – the Mythos student group in particular – did a commendable job in responding to the dangerous conditions.

While part of my reason for writing is to send a strong message of support to the members of the community who have endured and combated the horde, I should give credit where credit is due. As some of you know, a large, circular vehicle descended behind Franklin Patterson Hall this afternoon and let off quite a few of its travelers, who bore sufficient weaponry to dispatch the zombies. I have already heard this unusual action being called yet another unneeded invasion of the campus, but I, for one, welcome our new alien overlords.

I admit that the appearance of the saucer surprised me. I had for some reason expected a more insidious approach, possibly inspired by my recent viewing of the film Invasion of the Body Snatchers. I should mention that it was the 1978 remake with Donald Sutherland and Brooke Adams. Manfred prefers the original, which is indubitably a classic, but as remakes go, I can’t think of one that approaches its original in quality or stands the test of time as well as this one.

Hampshire College must also stand the test of time, with an enduring commitment to quality in education. As President, I am always looking for new ideas for revamping the still-young institution’s educational and organizational policies. Coming from outer space, these visitors can provide a vital interplanetary perspective on the issues the college values most. I believe I can speak for the entire community when I express a desire to learn about these creatures’ pedagogic
theories, and, where appropriate, implement them into our own. There are, of course, long-term questions about the legitimacy of their apparent rule, but these questions can be postponed until we have assessed the capabilities of their impressive ray guns, which, according to Delroy Patrick, give even Public Safety’s most secret weapon a run for its money.

If you want to read more of my daily adventures, feel free to visit my Adventure-a-Day page!



4 responses

17 06 2008

that is sooo fake

23 06 2008

robin… You weren’t there. You can’t possibly understand the horror!

23 10 2008

Pretty cool^^

How old are you? 14, 13, 15, around that area, right?


10 04 2009

Might i just say , the zombie girls is extremely pretty :)

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